Hello everyone, and thank you for coming to this emergency press conference. Some of you may know this already, some of you may not, but there has been a recent unemployment crisis sweeping my week. I take no pleasure in informing my anxious public that my recently implemented Kira Will Apply For A Job Act has failed to do what I had hoped, which is, namely, to get me a job. Me and my team of legislators, which are all coincidentally me, did everything we could to increase the number of employment opportunities available to me. Unfortunately, due to existing market factors we could not change, our efforts were unsuccessful. I would like to assure you all that despite this setback, we are doing everything we can to increase employment opportunities for those in need, all of which are also coincidentally me. This administration will not accept failure, and until our constituents, who are all also me, are satisfied with the state of the regional job economy and with the level of employment, we will not stop looking for solutions. A new jobs bill is currently in the process of being enacted, titled Let's See If The Writing Center Wants Me At Some Point In The Near Future. With luck, this will prove to be more successful than its predecessor.
Thank you for your attention, and God bless the United States of America, which all happen to be me as well.
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