Hello everyone, and thank you for coming to this emergency press conference. Some of you may know this already, some of you may not, but there has been a recent unemployment crisis sweeping my week. I take no pleasure in informing my anxious public that my recently implemented Kira Will Apply For A Job Act has failed to do what I had hoped, which is, namely, to get me a job. Me and my team of legislators, which are all coincidentally me, did everything we could to increase the number of employment opportunities available to me. Unfortunately, due to existing market factors we could not change, our efforts were unsuccessful. I would like to assure you all that despite this setback, we are doing everything we can to increase employment opportunities for those in need, all of which are also coincidentally me. This administration will not accept failure, and until our constituents, who are all also me, are satisfied with the state of the regional job economy and with the level of employment, we will not stop looking for solutions. A new jobs bill is currently in the process of being enacted, titled Let's See If The Writing Center Wants Me At Some Point In The Near Future. With luck, this will prove to be more successful than its predecessor.
Thank you for your attention, and God bless the United States of America, which all happen to be me as well.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Talk so they'll listen
I know this blog has largely been a platform for me to talk about whatever I want, and so my posts are often not very well thought out, researched, edited, or lemon-scented. But I'm sitting here waiting for an email regarding a potential job that I applied for yesterday, and I can't help thinking that as young as I am now, I along with my peers can't remain carefree college students forever. Soon, we're going to be college graduates, setting out to develop successful careers, buy our first apartments, and eventually start families of our own. The time to start thinking about our futures is now. We should all consider what kind of career field we want to enter, how we're going to manage our finances in a volatile economy, what kind of parents and spouses we want to become when the time is right. That's why I've taken the time to discuss an issue that will come up, at some point, for every one of us as we mature into successful, functioning adults.
Regardless of how you may feel now, chances are good that some day, you'll see it fit to settle down with the person you love and cherish. You'll start your own family, and you'll see that child-rearing will raise an entirely new set of issues that years before, you never would have considered. What's the best way to go about toilet training? At what age is it appropriate to begin discussing sex and the process of prenatal development? How do you tell your daughter that she's not old enough to start wearing makeup to school? What I'd like to discuss now is an issue that will be a universal source of anxiety among new parents of our generation. It's time to start thinking about:
How to Talk to your Kids about Star Wars
Experts haven't agreed on one ideal age at which one should begin to learn about the sci-fi phenomenon that is Star Wars; most posit that it is best to wait until the child has been reading for at least a few years so that the parents may use any one of the numerous illustrated Star Wars encyclopedias to supplement the discussion. It is, however, generally accepted that a parent should preemptively bring up the topic in a comfortable and neutral situation, such as after a family dinner. Actively introducing your child to Star Wars ensures that his or her first impression of Star Wars comes from a reasonable and educated source. Wait too long and there is a chance your child will first hear about Star Wars from a friend or from a media source such as a TV commercial or the Internet. In most cases, this will lead to a harmless misunderstanding of Star Wars, such as a mistaken belief that Greedo shot first in the Mos Eisley Cantina, a misconception perpetuated by the remastered 1997 release of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. However, there is a chance that a friend will show your child Episode I before he or she gets a chance to be exposed to the original trilogy, which can lead to a lot of unhealthy perceptions of the franchise. Best to beat the race and take the initiative yourself.
What I will say next is perhaps the most communally accepted piece of advice for parents who wish to talk about Star Wars with their kids: always always always begin with the original trilogy. It is important to frame your discussion around the idea that Star Wars, while complicated and sometimes a little bit scary (remember how uncomfortable you were when you first connected the dots and realized that Leia made out with her brother?) is a joyous and wonderful thing that can be shared with the people you love the most. Exposing a child to the later trilogy too early may give him or her the impression that Star Wars is all about special effects, flashy lightsaber battles and one-dimensional characters that serve only as objects of ridicule or as plot points. Make sure your child knows all about Han Solo's complex and love-driven transition from anti-hero to hero, the significance of Luke's unlikely rise to the most powerful good guy in the galaxy, and the pseudo-Grecian redemption Luke brings to his doomed father, Darth Vader, before introducing your child to Jar-Jar Binks or the comically unsettling decision to cast Samuel L. Jackson as the peaceful and subdued Master Mace Windu.
During the course of your discussion with your child, it is natural for him or her to ask questions about the Dark Side of the force. Try to be understanding of your child's curiosity; it is, after all, the Dark Side that gets badass Sith lightening, awesome shiny robot suits, and a powerful, but ultimately merciful villain voiced by James Earl Jones (Admiral Motti insulted the man's religion; how did he NOT expect to get choked from across a table? Mercy my ass.) When explaining the Dark Side of the force to your child, be firm in your stance that the Dark Side is the final destination on the path of fear, anger, hate and suffering, but also be patient with your child when he or she muses how cool it would be to have a red lightsaber instead of blue or green. Remember, it's a discussion, not a lecture. Calmly and gently state that while the Dark Side may seem like fun, it's the good team that doesn't get its major home base completely blown to Hell on two separate occasions. This would also be a good time to mention to your son, assuming he identifies as straight, or your daughter if you suspect she may be a lesbian, that only the good team gets a pretty, pistol-wielding woman to hang out with all the time. For gay boys or straight girls, you may use the brooding appeal of Han Solo or Luke's earnest, blue-eyed devotion to convey a similar message.
By no means is this a complete guide on how to discuss Star Wars with your children; every child is different and every approach will also be different. One parent may choose to begin by showing his child Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope and then leading the child through a discussion of character traits, important plot details and the best Han Solo quotes, while another parent may opt to start with a basic rundown of the major characters and general plot line of the series before going to the movies themselves. What is important is that you take the time and care to make this a discussion that your child will not only enjoy, but learn from. Your child's Star Wars experience will begin with you. Make sure you give your child a good foundation on which they can build their own well-informed opinions, and I guarantee your child's relationship with Star Wars will be healthy, committed, and comforting, especially as they grow old enough to truly start exploring Star Wars for themselves.
So, talk to your children about Star Wars. Because if you don't, someone else will.
Regardless of how you may feel now, chances are good that some day, you'll see it fit to settle down with the person you love and cherish. You'll start your own family, and you'll see that child-rearing will raise an entirely new set of issues that years before, you never would have considered. What's the best way to go about toilet training? At what age is it appropriate to begin discussing sex and the process of prenatal development? How do you tell your daughter that she's not old enough to start wearing makeup to school? What I'd like to discuss now is an issue that will be a universal source of anxiety among new parents of our generation. It's time to start thinking about:
How to Talk to your Kids about Star Wars
Experts haven't agreed on one ideal age at which one should begin to learn about the sci-fi phenomenon that is Star Wars; most posit that it is best to wait until the child has been reading for at least a few years so that the parents may use any one of the numerous illustrated Star Wars encyclopedias to supplement the discussion. It is, however, generally accepted that a parent should preemptively bring up the topic in a comfortable and neutral situation, such as after a family dinner. Actively introducing your child to Star Wars ensures that his or her first impression of Star Wars comes from a reasonable and educated source. Wait too long and there is a chance your child will first hear about Star Wars from a friend or from a media source such as a TV commercial or the Internet. In most cases, this will lead to a harmless misunderstanding of Star Wars, such as a mistaken belief that Greedo shot first in the Mos Eisley Cantina, a misconception perpetuated by the remastered 1997 release of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. However, there is a chance that a friend will show your child Episode I before he or she gets a chance to be exposed to the original trilogy, which can lead to a lot of unhealthy perceptions of the franchise. Best to beat the race and take the initiative yourself.
What I will say next is perhaps the most communally accepted piece of advice for parents who wish to talk about Star Wars with their kids: always always always begin with the original trilogy. It is important to frame your discussion around the idea that Star Wars, while complicated and sometimes a little bit scary (remember how uncomfortable you were when you first connected the dots and realized that Leia made out with her brother?) is a joyous and wonderful thing that can be shared with the people you love the most. Exposing a child to the later trilogy too early may give him or her the impression that Star Wars is all about special effects, flashy lightsaber battles and one-dimensional characters that serve only as objects of ridicule or as plot points. Make sure your child knows all about Han Solo's complex and love-driven transition from anti-hero to hero, the significance of Luke's unlikely rise to the most powerful good guy in the galaxy, and the pseudo-Grecian redemption Luke brings to his doomed father, Darth Vader, before introducing your child to Jar-Jar Binks or the comically unsettling decision to cast Samuel L. Jackson as the peaceful and subdued Master Mace Windu.
During the course of your discussion with your child, it is natural for him or her to ask questions about the Dark Side of the force. Try to be understanding of your child's curiosity; it is, after all, the Dark Side that gets badass Sith lightening, awesome shiny robot suits, and a powerful, but ultimately merciful villain voiced by James Earl Jones (Admiral Motti insulted the man's religion; how did he NOT expect to get choked from across a table? Mercy my ass.) When explaining the Dark Side of the force to your child, be firm in your stance that the Dark Side is the final destination on the path of fear, anger, hate and suffering, but also be patient with your child when he or she muses how cool it would be to have a red lightsaber instead of blue or green. Remember, it's a discussion, not a lecture. Calmly and gently state that while the Dark Side may seem like fun, it's the good team that doesn't get its major home base completely blown to Hell on two separate occasions. This would also be a good time to mention to your son, assuming he identifies as straight, or your daughter if you suspect she may be a lesbian, that only the good team gets a pretty, pistol-wielding woman to hang out with all the time. For gay boys or straight girls, you may use the brooding appeal of Han Solo or Luke's earnest, blue-eyed devotion to convey a similar message.
By no means is this a complete guide on how to discuss Star Wars with your children; every child is different and every approach will also be different. One parent may choose to begin by showing his child Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope and then leading the child through a discussion of character traits, important plot details and the best Han Solo quotes, while another parent may opt to start with a basic rundown of the major characters and general plot line of the series before going to the movies themselves. What is important is that you take the time and care to make this a discussion that your child will not only enjoy, but learn from. Your child's Star Wars experience will begin with you. Make sure you give your child a good foundation on which they can build their own well-informed opinions, and I guarantee your child's relationship with Star Wars will be healthy, committed, and comforting, especially as they grow old enough to truly start exploring Star Wars for themselves.
So, talk to your children about Star Wars. Because if you don't, someone else will.
 |
| And it'll be this guy. |
Monday, October 24, 2011
"I'd love to answer your question, but that would carry a $1,000,000 fine."
It's been a surprisingly good Monday. I have very recently had the pleasure of listening to Rick Welts present at the Ath, which turned out to be one of the best speeches I've heard there so far. LGBT friends, take note. This is what the gay rights movement should look like. We don't need outrageously flashy parades that only serve to reinforce the unfortunate stereotypes of promiscuity and unabashed hedonism. Yes, they raise awareness, but most people will only have an increased awareness of how obnoxious it is to see this on your morning commute:
-and whether you like it or not, there will be people who will attribute that behavior to LGBT communities in general. We need ambitious, respectable people of all generations and professions to demonstrate the fact that sexual orientation has nothing to do with what a person can accomplish or how one should be perceived. Rick Welts, Harvey Milk, Martha Nelson, Barney Frank, Christine Quinn, Pedro Almodóvar, Neil Patrick Harris, Jodie Foster, Tim Cook, Ellen Degeneres, Anderson Cooper. These are the people that need to be at the front, because it's difficult to dismiss someone with that kind of a resume.
I'm also waiting to hear back regarding a job interview I had today, which kind of feels like this:
Please, indeed.
 |
| "Taped to my buttocks is a copy of the New York Marriage Equality Act for those interested in the presence of LGBT activism in the political arena." |
-and whether you like it or not, there will be people who will attribute that behavior to LGBT communities in general. We need ambitious, respectable people of all generations and professions to demonstrate the fact that sexual orientation has nothing to do with what a person can accomplish or how one should be perceived. Rick Welts, Harvey Milk, Martha Nelson, Barney Frank, Christine Quinn, Pedro Almodóvar, Neil Patrick Harris, Jodie Foster, Tim Cook, Ellen Degeneres, Anderson Cooper. These are the people that need to be at the front, because it's difficult to dismiss someone with that kind of a resume.
I'm also waiting to hear back regarding a job interview I had today, which kind of feels like this:
 |
| Please? |
Thursday, October 6, 2011
100
Sure smells like midterms up here.
It is Thursday. It is also after 8:45 pm. Why no people running around outside yelling?
In other news, rest in peace Steve Jobs. See you up on the iCloud. And you're still getting the last laugh down here.
I love the smell of hypocrisy in the morning.
As for an update on my life, I will say this. I am spending my free hours writing a crime novel. This is the most productive I've been while wasting time in a long while.
*spoileralert* The first person implicated was never guilty. TWIST
It is Thursday. It is also after 8:45 pm. Why no people running around outside yelling?
In other news, rest in peace Steve Jobs. See you up on the iCloud. And you're still getting the last laugh down here.
I love the smell of hypocrisy in the morning.
As for an update on my life, I will say this. I am spending my free hours writing a crime novel. This is the most productive I've been while wasting time in a long while.
*spoileralert* The first person implicated was never guilty. TWIST
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